FATUM

thebootydiaries:

*throws tissue into trash can from two feet away*

me: BALLIN

me: BALL IS LIFE

me: BASKETBALL NEVER SLEEPS

me: KOBE TELL ME HOW MY ASS TASTES

(via thebootydiaries)

a-soft-suicide:

tupacabra:

a soulmate is a person that won’t complain about any of my music when i put my ipod on shuffle

i complain about my own music when its on shuffle what are you talking about

(via thebootydiaries)

dampsandwich:

Well “officer” if thats even your real name,

(via confirmance)

autistic-sowachowski:

unrelatableuserboxes:

ever notice that the mean voice in ur head that insults u is awful confident for something thats literally never done anything in its life except be mean to you… like… one of us is pathetic and its not me buddy… get a hobby… yikes

self care is roasting the mean voice in your head

(via confirmance)

sopranish:

owlmylove:

bedabug:

making a new password like
me: beefstew
computer: sorry password not stroganoff

oh my god

*slowclap*

(via confirmance)

egg-rolls:

when u stand up 2 fast n suddenly ur floatin thru space n time

(via thebootydiaries)

idioticteen:

trying to avoid old classmates in public like leonadro dicaprio avoiding the paps 

 

(via confirmance)

owlmylove:

sometimes u just gotta clean your room and apply an elaborate skincare routine and pretend that’s equivalent to getting ur life in order

(via confirmance)

communistbakery:

me: hey wanna see pics of my dog
person: no
me: *shows pictures anyway*

(via thebootydiaries)

stockaitkenwaterman:

you: not every post is about you

me: damn this is about how i think every post is about me

(via thebootydiaries)

sapphireswimming:

ubercharge:

siketreeker:

showerthoughtsofficial:

People often say they hope their deceased pet dog is chasing squirrels in doggy heaven… what did all of those squirrels do to deserve an afterlife of torment?

Dog heaven is also squirrel hell it’s a very efficient system.

i can’t stop fucking laughing at the thought of squirrels sinning so much in the mortal plane that they have to be sent to squirrel hell to atone

They know that the bird feeder isn’t meant for them

(Source: reddit.com, via confirmance)

attract:

slimiest:

a CEO walks into his office “any messages?” he asks his assistant
“two anons want to know who tom petty is and one just says ‘post your ballsack’”
“got it. check my dashboard”
“that skeleton gif you like is back again”
he rubs his chin pensively “mm. reblog that”

this is what i imagine david karp does with his time considering that tumblr hasn’t been improved for about three odd years

(via thebootydiaries)